He loves me right? I don't feel loved. I wonder: Why are things so hard for me? Why can't I have a few of my heart desires? Sure, He cares for my basic needs: food, shelter and clothing, but can't I have just a little more? Can't I see what the other side is like? You know over there. Can't I have a few of the things that ... has?
"Lord forgive me for a heart so ungrateful and foolish. I don't mean to be. I just want more and wonder why I can't have it?"
Am I simply meant to be a wife, mother who homeschools, and blog? Just be a keeper of the house, clean and take care of the laundry, cook ...? Be the one to point others in the right direction? I love it, don't get me wrong. I just want more. I think.
Is that bad— me wanting more? Is it too late for me—have I become to old? After all I'll be 45 in May. Are all my dreams and goals just that? A thought. A wish. A wonder? I wonder.
I wonder if me wanting more means that I'm not satisfied...content? I am. But I am not. Hmmm?
It seems that He has withheld from me. Yes the holy one. Seems that He is not giving me like He gives to others. Yes, I know better. Intellectually and with my heart, I know that isn't true. It's a lie. Satan's lie.
I go back to Exodus. God's chosen people He leads ... He has a purpose for them. A plan.
He loved Israel, but He sent them the way of the wilderness. It was for their good, though they didn't know it. They didn't feel it either. They thought He was withholding too.
He, the Father, did it so they wouldn't be frighten. Isn't that just like a protective parent—a loving parent? Looking out for the well-being of their children...not wanting them to be frighten. He loved them. He had a purpose and plan for them.
He has a purpose and plan for me—far more and better for me than I can ever fathom. I must remember this. Keep it close to my heart. My soul.
"Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure." ~ Psalm 16:5 NIV