The road I must walk

It's early morning hours, 3 am.  The house is still.  I rare back on the couch with Bible, blanket, yellow note-pad, and pen.  Penning words from today's reflections. 

Gift recordings were hard today.  So much is going on in the heart & mind.  Seems like the day was a continueous bending of the knee-heart crying out.

"All is grace," right?  That's what I think to myself. 
Then I answer, "Yeah...yeah.  It is.  It's all grace.  God grace, no matter what."

I saw God's grace filled hands, today, felt their touch.  Accepting what my heavenly Father hands offer today is bitter—sour even.  I had to grimace just to get a little of what He offered down...deep down.  This: the accepting what His hand dishes out.  This isn't the cup I wanted to drink from.  I know, though hard, that this is the cup much needed.  I must drink and learn.  He and I have been down this road before.  All other times I hand the cup back to Him.  Some of us learn the hard way.  Even still He loves.  He allows the wayward daughter to go away and come back again.  Upon my return He says, "Here daughter, drink."

I do try, but it is still much too bitter, so I spit it out.  I struggle, become angry with self 'cause like Him, I know.  I need this cup.  I must drink the contents...find a way to get them to stay down.  It's the only way for me to get to the other side.  The side He wants me on.  This...this right here is the hard gratitude: giving of thanks.  I struggle more.  With doing right and wrong...good versus feeling bad.  Sometimes...what the hand of our Father offers us—His children is tough.  Denying the self, taking up the cross.  That's tough.  It hurts.  Like Him on the way to be bruised and broken I fall from the weight, the heavy weight of the cross.  I'm weak broken and bruised...beaten up.

"Why didn't you protect me more Lord?"  I ask my Father.  I wished you would have protected me from the venomous...vicious attacks from others.  He shows me that He did.  He shows me that He has given me His grace to walk through, to endeavor and go through.  Unlike me, my Father knows what I need and just how to hand it out.  So He prunes my heart real good—His way.  "Ouch."  I cry.  I'm in pain.  "It hurts Father to walk down your road."

I'm reminded of "One thousand gifts: A dare to live fully right where I am."  In it Ann Voskamp words ring truth to my soul.

"Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don't numb {oh, how, I want to numb.  I want numbing really bad} themselves to really living." ~ emphasis added

And this pain?  Well, God is carrying me through.  I know it is a good thing.  It's just the waiting on the emotions to catch up to the accept.  Even now, in this, I learn that "All is grace."

I thank Him for this gift of grace today.  That's my gratitude for today. The walking me through the pain to be sure that I live life fully right here, right where I am.

"Here dies another day
During which I have had eyes, ears, hands
And the great world round me;
And with tomorrow begins another.
Why am I allowed two?" ~ G.K. Chesterton's

Items in post:

Framed Canvas:  The Lord's Supper

Road to the cross

Grace tile


another great reminder for me.  archives repost. 



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