"What have they been good for?" I lie in bed scanning the mind for answers. All that has really come out of it is what I've already known. I have layers of sin-sickness and my instability only peels the layers away exposing the truth. Smokescreens. The crux of it all boils down to a lack of trust...I'm sensing. But why do I lack trust? Do I feel I know better than the all-knowing God how to run my life? Doesn't my actions speak louder than what I say, so the answer to that question would be yes. His actions spoke loud too, and revealed His heart toward me: us. The Bible tells us that God so loved the World that He gave His Son ... God proved that He loved me by 'giving—doing.' I prove that I love Him by getting off course...doing? Yes. I would have to admit that my actions clearly say something about my belief in trusting God.
"It's only when you live the prayer of thanksgiving that you live the power of trusting God," says Ann Voskamp. But wait. He said He's working it out for our good? Can I trust Him with that? Can I be sure that He is in fact doing that with all that seems to beset me? That is what He said. I read it in His book: Romans. "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (8:28 NASB)
I cry hard when heart is exposed to truth. The truth hurts. I don't fully trust. I don't fully believe He knows how to handle me and my life. Well...I know He can handle it, but does He know what's really best for someone like me? Where do I go from here?
I want to remember His Words. His ways. Sometimes we have to look back to find the eucharist. "Lord help me remember to look back in my rearview mirror when doubt sets in. Fear. When the need to control grips tight." Then I remember the author's words:
"You may suffer loss but in Me is anything ever lost, really? Isn't everything that belongs to Christ also yours? Loved ones lost still belong to Him—then aren't they still yours? Do I not own the cattle on a thousand hills; everything? Aren't then all provisions, in Christ also yours? If you haven't lost Christ, child, nothing else is ever lost. Remember through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God" [Acts 14:22 NASB], and in "sharing in [My Son's] suffering, becoming like Him in His death "You come to know Christ and the power of His resurrection" [Philippians 3:10 NIV] ~ Ann Voskamp
I had forgotten that too. God wants to transfigure all no matter how long it takes. Yes, this is "the ugly-beautiful." That which is perceived as ugly transfigures into beauty. Just like Jesus. Didn't He become ugly so that you and I might become beautiful?
"The God of the Mount of Transfiguration cannot cease His work of transfiguring moments—making all that is dark, evil, empty into that which is all light, grace, full."
I must remember this. God is at work beautifying me ... even in the midst of "seemingly unimportant" interruptions. It's all important and somewhere, somehow an 'all-knowing' God takes it all...the ugly, and he transforms it and uses it 'all' for my good.
Life interruptions transfigure me. God is transfiguring me.
Eucharist [thanksgiving] is the state of the perfect man. Eucharist is the life of paradise. Eucharist is the only full and real response of man to God's creation, redemption, and gift of heaven. ` Alexander Schmemann