God loves me this I know. But I don't feel it. I see it, yet I don't see it. I see things in my life working, yes, but how is it working for my good??? I wonder. These feelings are the feelings that in times past caused me to travel inward. Isolate...turn back in search of fullness. I'm hungry and need God's fueling...
I bow the knees time and time again. I skim through the Scriptures looking for morsels. I find nuggets, but the soul doesn't seemed touched as it normally is.
I utter these words...these feelings quietly to Him in prayer. I fight. I fight the feeling, but eventually it overtakes me and I give in totally to the lie. Clenching it closely even. "God is withholding good from me." I'm totally embarrassed by these thoughts for I know they are not true, yet they seem to have a bit of truth to them. "Forgive me Lord for these sort of thoughts."
"Where hides this joy of the Lord?" Have I been robbed of it? Robbed of the true happiness that being in God brings? Where is the abundant life that I was promised? Where is my full life, the one I was told I would have once I accepted Christ?
- Where are the happy saintly children...the children who have always been homeschooled and had their mother home caring for them? Where is the bliss?
- Where is the never ending bliss-filled marriage between two people who are equally yoked?
- Where am I? Where are my dreams? My desires. Who am I? Who have I become?
Why does God the Father withhold from His child that which she surmises will fully nourish?
In my heart I know this is foolish talk, but it is how I feel. "How do I live the way I am meant to live when this life is so interrupted with one disappointment after another?"
He whispers softly to the heart: "Give thanks."
It is then that I remember...take my eyes off me, "Eucharisteo always proceeds the miracle."
I bend and pay homage. "Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit."
"Where hides the joy of the Lord?"
The joy of the Lord can be found upon giving our will over to Him...the humbling of the self. The giving of thanks. Remember, eucharisteo opens us up to the fullest of life. Got problems? Give thanks!
Sometimes we may become stagnate or disillusioned in our faith...seemingly just going through the motions ... feeling empty ... numb.
The first question we must answer when feeling like this is, "are we feeling like this because we've allowed sin to separate us from God?"
The Father wants us close to Him, this I also know. Just as I know He wants me (and you) to live a fully complete life in Him.
When feelings of disillusion engulf you, or the feeling of stagnation in your faith grabs hold of you, ask God to forgive you of any sin that is present in your life and then ask Him to give you back your joy in Him, and never forget to "give Him thanks." Ann says that it is impossible to experience two different emotions at the same time. So when down, give thanks and search for gifts, it is in the focusing on Him that we forget about ourselves, thus finding the joy that only He can give.
Christa Wells song, How Emptiness Sing. Inspired by a post written by our own Ann Voskamp.
The recorded gifts #'s 126 - 139
~ gifts from life situations
~ the reading of my Bible in bed
~ sitting in the backyard reading—watching trees sway in springs breeze
~ God loving me. Being faithful to care for me, even though I "get in the way."
~fresh clean, sparkling drinking water
~ This mornings breakfast. Cooked by the hands of my husband: eggs, toast and sausage.
~a good cup of coffee.
~ The skills of a plumber
~ listening to neighbor in backyard play his electric guitar
~ inhaling spring air
~ sprouting of seeds planted
~ roses blooming