Could I have changed his course?
Today is the day. Today is the day that we memorialize my father. It's a bitter-sweet day. I will
miss him so. Still can't believe that this season is upon me. I want to run and hide—yell at God and say, "No, no!" But I can't.
I must accept all that the hand of my loving heavenly Father gives, though it seems unfair. Unfair to take a husband away from his wife. Unfair to take a father away from his daughter. Unfair to take grandfather away from grandchildren.
I'd hoped he would live to see my children, graduate, get married and have children of their own. But it is not to be.
I'd hoped that we would one day travel. My husband, me and them—my parents.
Last night, as I cried silently. I shared with my husband that I knew it was his heart. Had suspected it all alone, but why didn't I tell him. I shared it with my mother, though, I didn't even share with her the extent of how bad it could have been.
"Why?" I ask my husband.
"Why didn't I stress how bad it could have been?"
"Why didn't I stop and drive down to his house and take him to the ER? Why?"
These are questions that are plaguing. Questions that I can't find answers to.
If I would have said something more than what I'd said ... "If I'd taken him to the ER would things be different, or was it God's plan to take him no matter what?" This is what I ask my husband as we lay cuddled in the late dark night talking..
"Don't do that Angie." He tells me.
"If God had meant for you to say more, you would have. It was his time." He says.
"Yeah, but 'was it his time or was his death a consequence of me not saying anything?' Could things have been different if I would have just told him how bad I thought his heart was?"
The question that comes to my mind next is: "Am I taking on a responsibility that isn't even mine to take on? Am I trying to take on the role of God—believing that I have the power of life and death in my hands?"
I don't know. I just wonder if things would have been different.
I just wonder why didn't I say what I was thinking. Or why didn't I drive down to take him to the ER?
All I know, is what I know. All I know is what His Word says, "There is an appointed time for everything ..." This is all that I know, all I can be 100% sure of.
"Hasn't God numbered our days?
...We have finished our years like a sigh. As for the days of our life, they contain seventy years, or if due to strength, eighty years, Yet their pride is but labor and sorrow; for soon it is gone and we fly away. ... Ps. 90: 9b-10
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