Seasons change: the death of my father



My heart is sadden as I tap out this post.  This morning about 11:00 AM, my mother called my husband's phone upset.  He gave me the phone and she began—hysterically telling me that something was wrong with my father.


"Did you call 911?"  I asked.

"I tried, but my phone isn't getting through."

"Okay, stay on this phone while I call from my phone."  I told her

So I called 911.  When I got the operator on the phone I realized that I am in a different county, so I had to be transferred at least three times.



While explaining to the 911 operator what was going on, my mother was giving me the status of what was going on with my father.  "His breathing is slowing down."  "His eyes are rolling in the back of his head."  "He's not breathing."

"Why me Lord" I ask?  These are details that I don't care to know or remember.  But this is the place where you have me at this moment.  "Stay calm and breathe."  I tell myself.

I live about 80 miles away from my parents.  My daughter had to work today ... this is her second week on her job.... thoughts are running rampant in my head.

"Okay, Mom," I tell her.  "I am on my way."



By this time I'd started calling family members to notify them.  Most were in church and didn't answer, so I tried texting.  Not one text got through.  They all came back to me as undeliverable.


Finally I was able to get in touch with my father's sister daughter to let her know what was going on.  They only live fifteen minutes away from my parents.  They went to my parents house, got my Mom, and followed EMS to the hospital.

I couldn't find my keys.  I couldn't find the keys to take my daughter to work.  While trying to remember where I put them, I called my mom.  She didn't answer, so I called my cousin.  "How is he?"  I ask her.

"He died."  She tells me.

I can't believe it.  I feel as if I'm walking in a fog.  It's unreal and I just can't believe that I am at this season in my life.  But I am.  I am experiencing a pain like none other.  I've never hurt before like I am hurting now.  I've never been in such a disbelief state.  "My daddy is gone???"




Once I got to the house and began sitting with family and friends, my Mom pulled out the photo albums and there we were.  My dad and I.  Me in my short dresses smiling holding his hand ... on his back.  Hugging his neck.  Kissing his face.  Memories flood me... I am taken back to one day when we were walking down the street and a tac went through my shoe and how my foot bled and he carried me.  Me crying and him talking to me: his daughter.  I don't know why that particular memory surfaces, but it does.

I hope I can get through this...  This pain ... this pain that I am mighty afraid will last a life time.


I'm going to miss him an awful lot.  Of course, that's an understatement.  There are no words that I know, or no right way to write this post ... no way that I know to adequately explain just how I feel right now.  Nor to describe much I will miss my daddy.  Nevertheless, I write.  I write to try and understand my feelings.  To share my feelings.  I write to release.

:::


"There is an appointed time for everything.  And there is a time for every event under heaven—a time to give birth and a time to die... He has made everything appropriate in its time.  He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end. 

I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one's lifetime; moreover, that every man who eats and drinks sees good in all his labor— it is the gift of God.

I know that everything God does will remain forever; there is nothing to add to it and there is nothing to take from it, for God has so worked that men should fear Him."

:::

What's written in my gratitude journal— #'s 179 thru 191

~ thanking God for my quality of life, for teaching me how to live the best of my life ... thankful for God being a part of my life.

~  very thankful for my Dad being in my life and that he lived for 72 years.  Thankful that he was proud of the woman I'd become. 

~  Glad, Dad, was able to see his grandchildren and that his grandchildren were able to know and love him.

~ Thankful that he had come to know Christ before he died.

~ Thankful for the memories

~ Thankful that Christ, family and friends will give me their shoulders & ears: comfort

~ Thankful for you allowing me to share

~ Thankful for sleep {I was so afraid to go to sleep lastnight.  Didn't think I would be able to, but God ...}

~ Thankful for Dr. Carolyn's radio program.  Learning a lot about "Getting Good At Life."  How to be the very best me.

~ Thankful for my husband who has a swollen eye {blocked oil duct} but willingly drove me to my parents yesterday, and stayed with me until I was ready to go.

~ Thankful for such helpful children

~ Thankful that I am motivated to clean!

~ Thankful for realizing I have a lot to be thankful for

Today is Multitude Monday, sharing gifts of gratitude over at A Holy Experience with Ann Voskamp ... working my way to sharing 1000's gifts with you.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Hi, thanks for visiting :-)

ShareThis