What happens when a mother grows weary & looses heart

How did I get here?  Here is so different from where I thought I would be as a mother.  I mistakenly thought that "with time parenting got easier."  In many ways things are much easier for me now as a mother, now that my children have gotten older.  But when I ask, "How did I get here?" I mean in a place where it doesn't seem like much of what I'm teaching is being grasped by my younger children anymore. It seems as if they are going backwards right before my very eyes, and this causes me a lot of mental anguish—seeing the default of their character. Even though I've taught them at home all of their lives, even after teaching them line upon line—precept upon precept God's Word, right from wrong.  Even after instilling values in them.  I see attitude.  Ungrateful hearts.  Sin abounding. 

There's just no way of eluding that sin nature.

Little ones bicker, and I hear them whisper, "I'm gonna get you back?"

"What?  I cry out!  Where did that come from ... what kind of heart says a thing like that to anyone ... who thinks like that?"  Discouragement mounts deep within.  I think, "There is absolutely no hope for a soul," and become more discouraged, asking, "What else can I do?"

All that I know to do, can do ...  I have done.  I'm ready to just throw in the towel and say,
"Hey kids ... look ... sorry.  You have already taken up a lot of my time and energy.  I've given you the best part of my years.  You've reshaped my body, and now you're wanting to take my sanity.  Why don't I just put you in school like the so called "normal people."  Y'all have at it, and I will too."

"Haven't I taught them better than to be like that Lord?"  I've taught them to respect others, to be kind, how to do their work right the first time, but I'm not seeing much positive fruit from my labor.  I don't see one hundred percent horrible, but I am seeing more horrible actions and attitude than I would like.

I have noticed that the younger children are much different from the older ones.  The older children say I'm much more mellow with their younger siblings than I was with them.  Surely I spanked the older ones more.  Didn't let them get away with much of anything.  But I am getting older.  I tire much easier now.  I get frustrated faster and often now.  I don't have the fight in me that I use to.  Now adays, I just want to be left alone, and not deal with many hassles.  So I'll just get alone and sulk about how I am failing as a parent ... as a wife ... and in life.

Then He reminds me.  "This is not my season of rest.  It is my season of race.  Run. Fight.  Teach.  Pray.

I open my Bible and read,"Beware that you do not forget the LORD your God by not keeping His commandments and His ordinances and His statutes which I am commanding you today; otherwise, when you have eaten and are satisfied, and have built good houses and when your herds and your flocks multiply, and your silver and gold multiply and all that you have multiplies, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God who brought you out from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery." ~ Deuteronomy 8:12-14

How have I forgotten I ask?

I have gradually pulled back from a lot.  I use to teach Bible everyday to the children.  Had them in Awana, Bible study and church weekly.  But we've gotten laxed.  Really laxed.  We no longer go to church weekly.  We let them watch TV way more than ever before.  I hear the programs they watch on "Disney Channel" the programs where the siblings bicker ... lie on one another and all is considered well.

And what am I doing now?  Blogging, writing, trying to establish a writing career for myself.  I figured they were old enough for me to pursue some of my dreams now.  Why can't they watch some of the Television programs now, they know right from wrong, and it gives me time to write, right? Make money for the family. Wrong.

I have to pull myself up and do the next thing ... fight for the heart and soul of my children.  It's not just about teaching them academically is it?  That wasn't my first reason for schooling at home—academics.  It was to instill His character, but I've gotten weary.  Tired of not having "my own" money.  I want some things for myself now, so I push them by the way-side, in front of the TV.  But I can't give up on them, I owe it to my children to continue fighting on their behalf.  To call on the name of the Lord for all of them.  To protect them with my prayers.  "Why do I forget this basic concept of Godly-mothering?"  It's mothering 101.  I'm her daughter: Eve's.  Isn't it a fact that we rarely want what we have.  We always long for more.  Always think, some of us, that God is holding out.  She thinks of herself and hurts her kids.  I think of myself and hurt mine.

This is what the Father shows His daughter in the early morning hours.

In the early morning hours I pledge, but first I ask for forgiveness. 

The Father tells me to do as He has instructed, "You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.  You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up.  You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your sons may be multiplied on the land which the Lord swore to your fathers to give them, as long as the heavens remain above the earth. ..." ~ Deuteronomy 11: 19-22

So I roll up my sleeves and begin to battle.  Battle for the heart and soul of my children.

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the you set before Him endured the cross, despising the same, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." ~ Hebrews 12: 1-3

Gratitude  #'s 151 - 156

~ for the forgivenss of a child

~ motherhood with all of its encumberances

~ being able to freely talk about me

~ sisterhood {those who understand}

~ the Bible & the Holy Spirit living within

~ conviction


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