Forgiving yourself

It's hot, very hot here in Texas!  To make matters worse my Suburbans air has went out.  Not only is it hot in the car, but after being home a while it seems to get rather warm in there too.

What does hot equate to over here?


I am frustrated and so are the kids.

I am a home-body.  I don't care for going out much at all.  And when I must go out it's early in the morning or when most people are working.  Rarely do I ever go to the malls and places like it.  When I do it's always during a time when the crowd is to a minimum, and I can stroll and take my time.

When out I usually stay to myself and not chat much.  Usually I'll just give you a faint smile and or glance.

I do love going out to dinner, lunch and breakfast, but again it's not doing peak hours.

A few of my kids are like me in this area, but a few are not.  One being my oldest girl.  She likes to go.

Last night I told her, "If you want me to take your brother and you to Targets you need to be up at this time."

My husband and I have a morning ritual of hanging out together going to Jamba Juice, sometimes breakfast and running errands.  I told her she and her brother could be up and ready when her Father and I left so they could just hang out with us.

But NO they stayed up too late the night before and didn't want to tag along when morning came.

I don't know about you all, but when you reach a certain age in our home we will not wake you.  We feel that our children, especially at the ages of 17 and 16, should have enough insight, wisdom and discipline to know what time to go to bed so that they can wake up at a certain time.

Kennedy and I have been very lax this summer giving them an abundant amount of freedom as far as how long they stay up and what time to rise.

Really we're wanting to see where the maturity level of the children are ... the 17 and 16 year-old that is.

The only rule is that they go no where and they can do nothing until their work is done.  Boys stop by the house wanting my son's to come out and play basketball, but they know they can't if their work isn't done first.  Same applies to my daughter.

Anyway, it's 7:30 PM.  I'm trying to deal with my massive headache 'cause I'm getting off coffee.  I'm finally cooling down and I'm thinking.

However to a soul that doesn't know, it looks like I'm sitting with my laptop doing nothing.  Let me just add, even if I weren't doing anything, I'm still doing something.  I'm relaxing.

Anyway, while thinking about what I was going to blog about, thinking about the lesson planning of this years home school, thinking about my upcoming blog design classes, and doing Classical Conversations—actually wondering, "How I would do it all."

My daughter enters my space and says, "Mom can't you take us to Targets and take your laptop with you and sit in Starbucks over there?"

"I'm not taking you.  Get up early in the morning, when it's cool and I'll take you."

I feel horrible.  Mean even.  But there is really a reason behind my seemingly madness.

This isn't really what I want to talk about though.

I shared this long story with you all so that you would understand what I really want to discuss.

Forgiving yourself.

I feel like a failure as a mother.  I've been a mother who has sat down with her children and taught them.  I've taught them to love home and I've taught them to be responsible.  I see neither in the way that I feel I should by now.

In allowing them and watching them I see things that ought not be.

And yes, I think this to be a reflection on me.  Could I'd done something better?  Maybe I should have done something different?

Have I wasted all of my time and theirs trying to teach them things that just won't be?

I beat myself up and then I remember Ann's Community.

Today we are to post on forgiveness.  I think about forgiveness for a minute and then I conclude... believing that most often the person that is hardest to forgive is ourselves.

"What is forgiveness, and how do we really forgive?"

Forgiveness is the pardon of an unjustice done to you.  It's a releasing.  A letting go.

Something that is often times easier for us to extend to someone else, but not to ourselves.

I believe in the real crucial cases forgiveness is worked out in steps.  

There are no shortcuts to it. 

Sometimes the process is long and down right ugly.

I think that before we can forgive, we must accept.  We have to accept our limitations as human beings realizing that we are not God, and neither are the people we deal with.  

We must realize that in our living, people will hurt us and we will hurt people.

Pain is a natural part of living— just as eating and sleeping, it comes with the territory.  Some of our hurts will be unintentional, yet others will be just the opposite.

Accepting ourselves as fallible gives us and others room to grow.  We give room for err when we take on this mind-set.

Most important is to see people as we really are ... not perfect.  Fallible.

Regardless of how much Bible we teach our children.  No matter how much we sit down and teach them right from wrong.  No matter how close we are to the Lord and they are to the Lord, and he, she and it are to the Lord.  We are all human ... fallible and live under the sin nature.  

That is why Jesus came.  At our core we are wretched. . . that's why we should thank Him daily for His grace.

When I keep this truth ever before me, I am better able to accept others mistakes as well as my own.  Making it so much easier for me to forgive not just them, but myself.

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Today's post is linked to: A Holy Experience, Women Living Well, Good Morning Girls, Raising Homemakers, About A Mom, Imperfect Prose


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