Why did it scare me so? It reminded me of our human frailness. I was reminded that though God loves us, His will sometimes pangs us. Sometimes our loving God bestows, what can seem like unfathomable grief onto us—His children, cutting us to our core . . . breaking our human hearts.
What I've learned from my personal walk with the God is that, yes, sometimes we experience this kind of hurt through His love. God allowing us to experience pain or loss in no way means He doesn't love us or that He loves us less.
So yes, to make it plain, often times God's purpose for our lives hurt. And that scared me. That scares me. And it reminds me of His unblemished Son in the Garden of Gethsmaine praying in anguish for His cup to be removed from Him.
For those of us who know God's character and His Spirit, we know that God is love. That's all He will ever be and because we know this beyond a shadow of doubt. . . we are confident that come what may, God is for us. Like Angie all we can do is trust that He knows what He is doing and follow where we feel Him leading us. Gripping tightly all the Scripture verses we've hidden in our heart, remembering how faithful He has been with us through all of our prior life experiences.
Yesterday was the first time that I'd read the story. I went to her blog specifically for that purpose: to conquer a fear. A fear that I didn't want to even acknoledge let alone read about. Angie Smith had lost her baby . . . one of her greatest fears I'm sure.
God is God is what Angie Smith remembered in her darkest hour. It is what she held on to then. It is what she still holds on to today.
Below is an excerpt of Audry Caroline's story:
First of all, thank you for being here. If you are here that means that you may want to become a part of the story that God is weaving us into, and we welcome that. I decided to start this blog because we are humbled and overwhelmed by the number of you who have contacted us, wishing us well, praying for us, bringing offerings on our behalf during this season. What we are realizing, though, is that we are not able to keep everyone informed the way that we would like to. We are simply too tired and too sad to tell it over and over. This seemed like the best way to involve many of you who we love and need right now, and to update you as far as what is going on and how you can be in prayer for us.
So, let’s start at the very beginning. I’m Angie. So nice to meet you…I am looking forward to our sharing during this time, even if I don’t know your face right now. I am married to Todd…amazing, God-given breath of life, Todd. You may know his voice from Selah, but I hope you will learn his heart here. We have been married 6 1/2 years, and have three incredible daughters…identical twins Abby and Ellie (5) and the spunkster that is Sarah-Kate (2). We have learned recently that our fourth daughter, Audrey Caroline, will not officially join our family the way we thought she would. This is the darkest time of our lives, no question. BUT, there is unspeakable joy in knowing how God will use this for His glory. We beg you to engage yourself in the latter more so than the former, as this is where we are resting now.In a way, the story of Audrey’s sickness began with a bunny. While shopping for my best friend Audra (the baby is named after her and also my middle name, Carole), I came across a bunny that for some reason, I just fell in love with. I told Todd that it reminded me of Audrey and I wanted to buy it for her…he did not fall in love with the price tag the way I fell in love with the bunny, so we moved on to another store. Later that night, as I rocked Kate to sleep, I began to weep. We had no indication that there was a problem with the baby, but my intuition had been busy since conception. As I rocked, I saw the face of that silly bunny and I could not stop the tears (for those of you just meeting me, crying over stuffed animals falls into the “unusual” category…). I told Todd about the incident and he decided maybe we should go back….we didn’t get the chance for a few days.On Monday, January 7th, I went in for a 20 week ultrasound. My mother in law was in town (she felt for some reason that she should stay for my appointment, and cancelled her scheduled flight a few days prior). When the ultrasound began, the air in the room shifted. I was asked the kind of questions that no mother ever wants to hear from a stranger. After she looked for a few minutes, she said, ”I am very concerned about this baby. I need to get the doctor and the geneticist in here and they will talk to you.”I began to feel dizzy..I asked her if I could hug her (this, on the other hand, falls into the “not unusual” category). I climbed down off the table and sat by Todd, laying my head in his lap and whispering, “Is this happening?” just before the doctor came in. There was no time for an answer. He was a very sweet, God-sent man who made the next few moments as bearable as one human could. He told me that as he did the ultrasound, he would be mumbling to his geneticist, and that I should take no note of this. At the end, they would tell me what was going on. This was a moot point, as everyone in the room knew that the mumbling was just a quiet way of whispering death. It so happened that the mumbling (to add to the “scene from a movie” quality of the moment) was in French. He is a world renowned researcher who developed the measuring system for fetuses while in the womb. And I don’t speak French. I barely speak Spanish after three years of high school classes, unless I am inquiring either 1) your name or 2) where the bathroom is.It didn’t matter…we all knew what he was saying.
Continue reading Audry Caroline's story
Angie has also written another book, "What Women Fear" that was released yesterday.
Can I tell you something? I have soooo many fears. They vary on topics.
Women of Faith Conference last weekend Pasty Clairmont talked about how fear led her home to stay in bed.
Are you fearful God's lady? I think that maybe we should get Angie Smith's book 'cause God has something to say to us about our fears.
I'm gonna get it and I'll keep you all posted.
Check out Angie Smith's blog.
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This post is linked to the following blogs:
Women Living Well
A Holy Experience
"God through the Holy Spirit interceding within us, uses everyday circumstances to touch the whole world with His saints." ~ Oswald Chambers