Gateways to Joy

It's early.  Still dark out.  The house is quiet.  I can't sleep.  I toss and turn.  All that is on my mind is Him. "How have I lived my life?"   I think "Is my life counting for anything, really?" "Am I really making a kingdom difference here on earth?" "How do we know, or can we even know that we are living His will for our lives out as we should?" "How can I know Lord and be assured?" My craving sits me up.  Slowly I get out of bed, careful not to wake my husband of twenty-years (today is our wedding anniversary). The mattress makes an unattractive sound.  I head to the bathroom to wash up, while closing the door I hear a squeak...a loud squeak.  The silence seems so loud this morning.  I hope I don't wake anyone.  I want to be alone.  I need to be alone.  To think.  To listen.  To be... After washing up, I head to the kitchen to make a hot cup of green tea.  I hear the refrigerator....

For several years now, it seems to be the season for cancer to attack my love ones...  I will spare you the details as it will only make me cry...so in essences I'm spared as well. One thing I've come to learn more about and appreciate is God's grace, mercy, kindness,  and love.  I'm understanding it in new and different ways.    But the thing that has really caught me by surprise ... the one thing that my circumstances has taught me to appreciate is something I'd taken for granted.  And that is to have gratitude for ... NOW. THIS MOMENT. I've come to realize this is all I truly have, this moment (and my past). I'm thankful that because of circumstances -- I'm learning to enjoy the small things and I'm learning to enjoy people.  People who are messed up and flawed, like me.  In times passed I was the one who so easily held the mistakes of others against them, so much s...